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Setting The Record Straight — Why Now?
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Setting The Record Straight

Easter Bunny

There have been numerous complaints received regarding the services provided under the current regime and we would like to take the time to respond to these and to help those of you in the outlying areas understand the true situation.

It has been noted that several individuals purporting to be the “Easter Bunny” do not seem to be authentic. Of course they’re not authentic. We don’t do personal appearances or take requests. As the anthropomorphic personification of a blended holiday we are entirely too involved in attempting to fulfill the unreasoned expectations of various groups. Besides which, we noticed that many of the requests came from people with French surnames, and I don’t think it is necessary to remind people what happens to rabbits in France: in Britain bunnies are found in children books; in France in cookbooks. [See also North Korea.]

We had what we thought was an excellent solution, but then discovered that due to his existence as a pookah, Harvey was not visible to major segments of the population and, to be honest, he had a problem staying away from the tipple for any major block of time.

As for the quality of the costumes, we are certainly not going to recommend anyone “donate” their pelt so these obvious frauds can have “genuine rabbit fur” costumes.

There have been other complaints following the change from solid to hollow chocolate statuary. The Chocolate Cartel has been jacking up prices for years, and while we agree that problems like the disruptions in the Ivory Coast have had a negative impact on the pricing of the raw materials, we suspect the price increases have more to do with avarice than insurrections or an active hurricane season.

We had to choose between offering smaller, solid figures, or larger, hollow figures. Research showed us that the target audience, small children, only actually ate the ears and nibbled a bit from the toes. The majority of the figures were consumed by parents claiming: “to prevent the kids from getting sick from all that candy.” Our thinking was the kids would be impressed with the initial size of the figures, and the parents needed to lose weight anyway.

Hollowing the figures took more time and you have to keep in mind that the staff is already pretty weird from the massive doses of sugar, gelatin, and dyes they have to ingest to produce jelly beans. Nonetheless, the illusion is preserved.

Regarding the “grass” and “baskets”: hey, wake up and smell the polypropyl vinyl! The days of people having a basket out back and grass around the house are gone. We ask for baskets and find the concept apparently doesn’t translate well as the suppliers move further to the East. But the grass? Grass is grass all over the world. It’s green, it is almost always the definition of green in every language. So we ask for grass and we get shredded plastic in almost every color except green. We know it’s wrong. We complain every year and every year we are told that this is “the new green”.

So, suck it up and get out there and deliver.

3 comments

1 Kryten42 { 04.12.09 at 8:18 am }

And in cookbooks in Aus too!! Bet, then again… Just about everything remotely edible can be found in an Aussie cookbook. Especially ones written up north! 😆

The so-called chocolate in the majority Easter confectionery hardly deserves the name. You’d be lucky to find 10% cocoa in most (though you will find at least 50% sugar). Lindt do make 75% and 85% cocoa egg and bunny though, and a few others do. Some chocolatiere even created a 99% cocoa offering! That’s be like having a pure caffeine IV! Mmmmmm…

2 hipparchia { 04.12.09 at 12:21 pm }

99% cocoa! mmmmmmm….

when i was a kid, i used to sneak mom’s baking chocolate from the pantry. way beter than any ‘chocolate’ bunnies.

hipparchia´s last blog post..

3 Bryan { 04.12.09 at 1:37 pm }

I had a friend [who has since passed] from the mail list days who sent me the real thing from her factory in Switzerland [Max Felchlin AG], although it was normally in the 75% range. She actually knew some of my distant Swiss cousins [through business].

It’s not “real chocolate”, but Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut are pretty good survival rations, although they rarely survived to the end of a flight [if you have ever had, or even seen, a military boxed lunch, you would understand].