Sorry About That

by Bryan

I had turned off my spam plugin a while ago because it has “a thing” about a couple of commenters, and things moved along without too many problems.

This morning the spammers were back and I had to turn it back on, because I couldn’t delete them as fast as they appeared.

I apologize for any inconvenience.

16 comments

1 Kryten42 { 01.30.10 at 6:36 am }: Apology accepted! 😉 😛 😀

Ahem… Since there are no comments, and this thread isn’t about anything in particular… Allow me to post a few funnies that I’ve had for years! 😀

This is one I posted at LM sometime in 2005. I don’t recall the source. But I feel it’s as appropriate today as it was at the height of the Bushmoron era. 🙂

The USA Government announced today that it is changing the Federal Government emblem to a condom.

Why?

Because it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, it is used to halt production, it destroys the next generation, it protects a bunch of pr*cks, and gives people a false sense of security while they’re actually being scr*wed.

And ain’t that the truth! 😆
2 Kryten42 { 01.30.10 at 7:00 am }: OK. The spam thingy hates long jokes! 😛 Hmmph! Everyone’s a critic!

So, try this:

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5,000.”

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. “Hey, that one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a project manager”.
3 Kryten42 { 01.30.10 at 7:02 am }: New heavy element discovered!! Administratium!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively, named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistan neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistan vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
4 Kryten42 { 01.30.10 at 7:06 am }: These will serve to show you why we, in Australia, have absolutly nothing to worry about as far as the future of our great nation is concerned!! The future looks to be in good hands??? Ummmmm… Errrrr… Hmmmmmm.

Some metaphors found in NSW year 12 student’s English essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Sex in the City” comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

“Oh, Jason, take me!”; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

You know… I recall at that age we were just beginning to experiment with various chemical substances… but I honestly think that even on an LSD trip we could not have come up with some of these! A-Mazing! 😆
5 Kryten42 { 01.30.10 at 8:05 am }: I’d forgotten about this one! 😀 A true story, was in the news. I thought Bryan might appreciate it. 😉 😆

Don’t mess with old people!!
============================
George xxxxxx of the Gold Coast, Australia was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed and it looked like they were stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, got his camera, took a photo of the men, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a minute ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and two ambulances showed up at Georges residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said angrily to George: “You said that you’d shot them!”

George said, calmly: “I did. With my camera.” Then very angrily: “And I thought you bloody said there was nobody bloody available!!”

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
6 Comrade Kevin { 01.30.10 at 10:00 am }: Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2
.-= last blog ..Saturday Video =-.
7 Badtux { 01.30.10 at 4:08 pm }: Kryten, those “metaphors” are brilliantly sarcastic. We have some Junior Snarkers at work there, yes indeedy :).

– Badtux the Snarky Penguin
8 Steve Bates { 01.30.10 at 9:18 pm }: Now I want a Hefty bag full of vegetable soup. A very small one, of course.
.-= last blog ..Very Early Friday Guardian And Observer Blogging =-.
9 Bryan { 01.30.10 at 10:29 pm }: You weren’t one of the hated two, CK.

Like Badtux, I’m impressed, Kryten. There are solid futures in blogging for those students, and a few of them might actually make some money as comedy writers.
10 hipparchia { 01.31.10 at 1:01 am }: it’s because i 😆 at kryten’s jokes, isn’t it?

speaking of which, i was thinking that was a crop of future bulwer-lytton contestants.

my favorite one though is the guy who shot the robbers.
11 Kryten42 { 01.31.10 at 1:21 am }: LOL Yeah! I like that one too hipparchia! And it’s funny because it’s true. 😀

Heh… Thankfully, people still have a sense of humor here, even in QLD. The Police were going to charge the old guy, and the public went nutz! 🙂 (Who likes Cops anyway)? 😉

LOL
12 Kryten42 { 01.31.10 at 1:23 am }: Oh… and…

Nice to know we have something in common eh, h? Hated by a tiny piece of imbecilic software! *sigh*

That could make a good epitaph! LOL
13 hipparchia { 01.31.10 at 11:42 pm }: well, i’m not quite ready for my epitaph yet… but yeah, i can’t fathom why the spamcatcher hates me. sometimes it makes sense — too many links, or too short a comment 😆 but other times it just picks on me out of the blue.
14 Bryan { 02.01.10 at 12:01 pm }: The amazing thing is, Hipparchia, while you and Kryten seemed to be targets of the built-in moderation system, SpamFree only really attacked you.

If it was a warped sense of humor, it would attack Steve, and me, for that matter.
15 Kryten42 { 02.03.10 at 9:09 am }: Speaking of sense of humor, this was posted in a local newspaper this morning. Might answe a few questions regarding jokes, and women… (not that I would ever consider a woman a joke, and that’s not what i intended). 😉 😛

Why a woman has the last (and longest) laugh

There was a much lengthier (and somewhat more… provocative) article in Vanity Fair:

Why Women Aren’t Funny

Right… well, I’m off then! Cya…
16 Bryan { 02.03.10 at 9:37 pm }: I wonder what kind of guys these researchers hang around with, because I haven’t noticed that big of a difference. YMMV 😉