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The Toilet From Hell

I spent my day engaged with another leak from The Toilet From Hell®. This is a half-century-old chunk of porcelain with which I have an ongoing battle over the past several years.

It always starts the same way:

It’s leaking.

I’ll replace it.

It doesn’t need to be replaced, it’s a good toilet.

Good toilets don’t leak.

It would be replaced with one of those new toilets that don’t flush properly.

They work now, and it will be quicker and cheaper to replace the miserable thing.

That would mean re-papering the bathroom to cover the space behind the tank.

Okay, I’ll fix it.

Four hours, three foam gaskets, two complete sets of tank bolts [I asked for stainless steel and one of the known properties of stainless steel is an absence of RUST SPOTS!], plumbers putty, ½-inch open end wrench, medium channel lock pliers, large vise grips, spud wrench, large flat blade screwdriver, wet/dry vacuum, towel, first aid kit, and a large wad of chewing gum to mute the curses.

If I didn’t hate hanging wall paper more than a root canal, The Toilet From Hell® would be providing drainage as shards in the bottom of dozens of flower pots.

4 comments

1 Steve Bates { 03.30.06 at 1:22 am }

I have replaced one flush toilet in my life. That act is my sole claim to American masculinity, as I never could fix cars. (Tuning harpsichords… that’s more my speed, if the qualification has to be an act of mechanical prowess.) But I never, ever, ever want to replace another toilet!

Repair or replace, good luck with The Toilet From Hell®, Bryan.

2 Bryan { 03.30.06 at 9:25 am }

If you have the tools, putting in a new toilet isn’t bad. It’s getting the old one out, especially if there has been a lot of re-modeling in the bathroom.

IT is not leaking this morning, but it may be lulling me into a sense of security before it attacks again.

3 andante { 03.30.06 at 2:51 pm }

Well, when you get your toilet problems solved, I could use someone to shore up the floring around mine.

Various leaks & overflows throughout the years make sitting on the thing an adventure and always makes me nervous.

4 Bryan { 03.30.06 at 2:59 pm }

The best way of dealing with that problem is look at the problem from underneath so you can locate the floor joists and then cut out the soft flooring and replace it with ¾” plywood. I always paint the plywood with urethane before using it in a bathroom floor.

The first time I had to replace a floor is when I put my foot through it while removing a toilet.