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The eternal war between the owners of bird feeders and squirrels has reached a new level with the sighting of squirrels in body armor. Reliable sources indicate that the squirrels have managed to obtain the vests through hamsters associated with Adnan Khashoggi.

Dr. Laurie Mylroie has claimed that the escalation is being financed by protection money paid by Iranian pistachio growers to the squirrels.

Dr. Mylorie noted that this entire affair is covered in her latest collaboration with Judith Miller, The Prophecies of Beatrix Potter, which explains the real identity of Squirrel Nutkin and Old Brown.


1 andante { 06.10.06 at 1:31 pm }

After spending a small fortune on so-called ‘squirrel proof’ bird feeders, I finally got one of those weight activated jobs.

However, squirrels are a wonder of evolution, and I confidently expect an invasion of 1-ounce, miniature squirrels any day now.

2 Bryan { 06.10.06 at 1:42 pm }

I’m waiting for their parachute units.

3 Anya { 06.10.06 at 8:04 pm }

The parachute unit has landed on my balcony.

Actually, I’ve given up trying to get them off the feeder — although sometimes they do a pretty good job of getting themselves off the feeder. One lost his grip and did a wonderful flying dismount and landed on the railing. However, I think he bumped his head; he came and sat on the doorstep and pouted for about half an hour.

I gave him a handful of peanuts to soothe his embarrassment.

4 Bryan { 06.10.06 at 8:14 pm }

Someone, possibly Nova, did an hour show on PBS of this scientist attempting to keep squirrels off his feeder. It was amazing what the squirrels did, sliding down wires and leaping absurd distances. Was was more amazing was the yard was filled with a variety of nut producing trees that got ignored while the squirrels went through these antics to get bird seed.

You really shouldn’t encourage them.

5 Anya { 06.11.06 at 5:39 am }

A friend of mine recently acquired a pair of pet rats. These critters are remarkably intelligent, and need to be constantly entertained. My friend obliges them by providing a myriad of toys, and Tug-of-War is a favorite game.

Could it be that squirrels, like the rats, are looking for amusement, and that is why they seem to prefer swinging from birdfeeders?

6 Bryan { 06.11.06 at 3:54 pm }

The local squirrels spend a lot of time annoying the cats, who are not very successful at catching them. A lot of what they do could objectively viewed as playing, because it certainly isn’t a survival technique to goad a predator into attacking and they can avoid touching the ground by using the electrical and cable wires overhead, as well as the tree canopies.

They do seem to do a lot of things just for the hell of it, including the games of “tag”.