And Now, For Something Completely Different

Via Keith at Invisible Library I was led to the column of Terry Jones [ex Monty Python], Nice one, George, thanking the Shrubbery for advancing the time table of Armageddon.

You should read the column in its entirety, but the comments are well worth a look and I have “nicked” most of the comment of MrPikeBishop for below the fold:

Come in, come in. Did you find us alright? It can be a little tricky, what with us being based outside the M25, and outside time. Coffee? No? Okay, well let me tell you a little about us, and the position we have on offer.

Horsemen Group is a long established consultancy and hands-on motivational conglomerate. Our brand is well established and almost universally recognised – in fact only Coca Cola has greater instantaneous recognition, and we find that even die-hard rejectionists recognise us in their last moments! As you know we have fingers in most pies, although I know Famine hates that metaphor, and our role is carefully delineated based on an original mandate from Jehovah. As such we have excellent long term growth prospects right up until, well, the end of time, naturally.

However, I can’t deny that times have changed, and, frankly, we didn’t expect there to be quite this much of it – time I mean. Our original business plan was predicated upon full cessation of all humanity in AD79, but, what with one thing and another, it never came to pass. So, while we certainly rocked in the first century AD, we’re now, shall I say, looking rather passé.

We did look at a rebranding exercise, and Accenture actually recommended “4or!Horse” , but our private polling suggested that what was needed was some kind of committal to the pace of change, which is, of course, where this current recruitment drive stems from.

You see, War, Famine, Pestilence, and myself, Death, worked well with the unsophisticated peoples of first millennium Middle East, but really aren’t cutting it with the youth of the 21st century. Looking at the USA for instance, and obviously that’s where we see the best prospects for business development, people seem to quite like War, they don’t mind Famine as it only affects other nations, they confuse me with a character in a movie called Stab and they don’t understand what Pestilence is at all! It’s all rather worrying. So we need fresh blood – fresh ideas to reach out to mortals and snuff them from existence, preferably in a horrific manner. We have ideas naturally, but we recognise that the time is right for movement in the Apocalypse scenario. The time is right for a Fifth Horseman.

So, that’s enough about us: tell us Mr. …errr… Global Warming, – do you mind if I call you Man Made? – what do you feel you can add to the sum of all fears?